Sunday, July 06, 2008
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Habit Kickery
I had a weird experience, and I am going to blog about it.
There are any number of people in whom I can confide. I am sensible of this, and take full advantage of it. Unfortunately ("Repeatedly" and "Stupidly" would also be good sentence openers here) I have this tendency to turn to the support system around me before turning to God. With problems. With fear. With grudges.
And this is a problem because people
can't
fix
anything.
Shocker.
People, in and of themselves, are just as screwed up as I am (some of them more so). Yet we expect each other to be able to solve our problems.
Normally, all I really need is someone to talk to. A listening ear. And most people have two, which makes people ideally suited for that sort of task. But the times when listening won't change anything, when I need to be changed, there's nothing people can do to help.
I learned this lesson when I was about sixteen, when I talked about a problem with a Trusted Person, to realize as I walked away that nothing had happened.
I've been learning it again over the past month.
I tried to talk to a friend about something important--and couldn't. For the first time, I couldn't say a word about what I wanted to. Normally it is no problem whatsoever for me to talk about myself. I have a blog. It's inherent.
But I couldn't talk. I couldn't segue into the subject, I couldn't just blurt it out, nothing. Because really-- what I needed to talk about was no one's business but mine and God's.
My friends, great as they are, can't be my relationship buffers with Christ. This blog, useful as it is at times for self-expression, is no place for that conversation. When He and I have a problem, I have to talk to Him about it.
Even if it means keeping my mouth shut.
I'll learn.
There are any number of people in whom I can confide. I am sensible of this, and take full advantage of it. Unfortunately ("Repeatedly" and "Stupidly" would also be good sentence openers here) I have this tendency to turn to the support system around me before turning to God. With problems. With fear. With grudges.
And this is a problem because people
can't
fix
anything.
Shocker.
People, in and of themselves, are just as screwed up as I am (some of them more so). Yet we expect each other to be able to solve our problems.
Normally, all I really need is someone to talk to. A listening ear. And most people have two, which makes people ideally suited for that sort of task. But the times when listening won't change anything, when I need to be changed, there's nothing people can do to help.
I learned this lesson when I was about sixteen, when I talked about a problem with a Trusted Person, to realize as I walked away that nothing had happened.
I've been learning it again over the past month.
I tried to talk to a friend about something important--and couldn't. For the first time, I couldn't say a word about what I wanted to. Normally it is no problem whatsoever for me to talk about myself. I have a blog. It's inherent.
But I couldn't talk. I couldn't segue into the subject, I couldn't just blurt it out, nothing. Because really-- what I needed to talk about was no one's business but mine and God's.
My friends, great as they are, can't be my relationship buffers with Christ. This blog, useful as it is at times for self-expression, is no place for that conversation. When He and I have a problem, I have to talk to Him about it.
Even if it means keeping my mouth shut.
I'll learn.
Monday, May 12, 2008
Changin'
I changed the title of my blog...it probably won't last the summer. But I wanted to change it. Don't know why.
My best friend is a married woman as of Saturday. Everything was beautiful. Despite the cough/cold that's been plaguing me, I sang well on the song for the ceremony, and the piano guy covered my screw-ups on the first dance song.
Even if I'd completely blown it, though, it wouldn't have mattered.
Because she's married.
Forever.
And the look on Jason's face when he went to take her hand from her dad's and lead her up the altar made my diaphragm lurch a little.
It was a forever look.
Forever changes things.
I feel funny.
I'm back in T-town for a week before heading to CT. Another change. I don't know what this summer will bring. I don't like not knowing.
I really don't like not knowing...
Something shifts when what you thought was an illusion presents itself as fact. And when faced with the unexpected, I tend to panic. People do dumb things when they panic. By people I mean me.
So I have to just keep reminding myself to breathe. So far, I haven't asphyxiated, which is a good sign. Everything is new; nothing looks the way it did in December. I got a new prescription, I guess, and now I have to adjust to it, but that generally comes with some stumbling. And who knows what the summer holds.
You know, Lord, don't you?
Well, any time You feel like filling me in on that one...I'll be here.
My best friend is a married woman as of Saturday. Everything was beautiful. Despite the cough/cold that's been plaguing me, I sang well on the song for the ceremony, and the piano guy covered my screw-ups on the first dance song.
Even if I'd completely blown it, though, it wouldn't have mattered.
Because she's married.
Forever.
And the look on Jason's face when he went to take her hand from her dad's and lead her up the altar made my diaphragm lurch a little.
It was a forever look.
Forever changes things.
I feel funny.
I'm back in T-town for a week before heading to CT. Another change. I don't know what this summer will bring. I don't like not knowing.
I really don't like not knowing...
Something shifts when what you thought was an illusion presents itself as fact. And when faced with the unexpected, I tend to panic. People do dumb things when they panic. By people I mean me.
So I have to just keep reminding myself to breathe. So far, I haven't asphyxiated, which is a good sign. Everything is new; nothing looks the way it did in December. I got a new prescription, I guess, and now I have to adjust to it, but that generally comes with some stumbling. And who knows what the summer holds.
You know, Lord, don't you?
Well, any time You feel like filling me in on that one...I'll be here.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Final
I have a tiny Dr. Epperson candle deep deep down inside my soul that flickers a wee hopeful message that maybe just maybe he will come in tomorrow and let us pick our own essay topics and I guard this candle fiercely with walls and partitions and batteries of soul-cannon to block invaders and shoot down doubtful maurauders who would tromp into my sanctum and huffpuffblowwww out my tiny Dr. Epperson candle
There would be an epic battle raging around its feeble light thrust parry feint explosion return fire evasive maneuvers and I would dodge and swipe and take careful aim with one extra second to make the shot count which is always a better idea then just winging a man when you're running low on ammo or so I have heard
This candle gutters and flickers when I look at the outline of my paper staring glowering magnifying in an accusatory window on my screen glowing menace harassing remaining unfazed by threats or placations I will smite you window of Doom you will be defeated when tomorrow's sun reaches its zenith unseen to those of us in windowless classroom then I will strike the death blow and you will hear it coming in my fingertips on the keys the ratatatat of the machine guns or the scrrrrrrrrrrrritchsratch of my victorious ballpoint pen the arrow's flight across the blue lines and pink margins quake quake quake for your entirely imminent demise
Oh tiny candle burn on please
I am stacking wood for you and dipping wicks to keep you going and you ought to take that into consideration before you melt
away tiny candle I have become rather attached to you and to the shadow picture you cast into my mind of Dr. Epperson coming into class tomorrow and maybejustmaybe letting us pick our own essay topics so please do not blow out tiny candle I am nearly out of midnight oil.
There would be an epic battle raging around its feeble light thrust parry feint explosion return fire evasive maneuvers and I would dodge and swipe and take careful aim with one extra second to make the shot count which is always a better idea then just winging a man when you're running low on ammo or so I have heard
This candle gutters and flickers when I look at the outline of my paper staring glowering magnifying in an accusatory window on my screen glowing menace harassing remaining unfazed by threats or placations I will smite you window of Doom you will be defeated when tomorrow's sun reaches its zenith unseen to those of us in windowless classroom then I will strike the death blow and you will hear it coming in my fingertips on the keys the ratatatat of the machine guns or the scrrrrrrrrrrrritchsratch of my victorious ballpoint pen the arrow's flight across the blue lines and pink margins quake quake quake for your entirely imminent demise
Oh tiny candle burn on please
I am stacking wood for you and dipping wicks to keep you going and you ought to take that into consideration before you melt
away tiny candle I have become rather attached to you and to the shadow picture you cast into my mind of Dr. Epperson coming into class tomorrow and maybejustmaybe letting us pick our own essay topics so please do not blow out tiny candle I am nearly out of midnight oil.
Monday, April 07, 2008
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