Changin'

I changed the title of my blog...it probably won't last the summer. But I wanted to change it. Don't know why.

My best friend is a married woman as of Saturday. Everything was beautiful. Despite the cough/cold that's been plaguing me, I sang well on the song for the ceremony, and the piano guy covered my screw-ups on the first dance song.
Even if I'd completely blown it, though, it wouldn't have mattered.
Because she's married.
Forever.
And the look on Jason's face when he went to take her hand from her dad's and lead her up the altar made my diaphragm lurch a little.
It was a forever look.
Forever changes things.

I feel funny.

I'm back in T-town for a week before heading to CT. Another change. I don't know what this summer will bring. I don't like not knowing.
I really don't like not knowing...

Something shifts when what you thought was an illusion presents itself as fact. And when faced with the unexpected, I tend to panic. People do dumb things when they panic. By people I mean me.
So I have to just keep reminding myself to breathe. So far, I haven't asphyxiated, which is a good sign. Everything is new; nothing looks the way it did in December. I got a new prescription, I guess, and now I have to adjust to it, but that generally comes with some stumbling. And who knows what the summer holds.
You know, Lord, don't you?
Well, any time You feel like filling me in on that one...I'll be here.

Final

I have a tiny Dr. Epperson candle deep deep down inside my soul that flickers a wee hopeful message that maybe just maybe he will come in tomorrow and let us pick our own essay topics and I guard this candle fiercely with walls and partitions and batteries of soul-cannon to block invaders and shoot down doubtful maurauders who would tromp into my sanctum and huffpuffblowwww out my tiny Dr. Epperson candle
There would be an epic battle raging around its feeble light thrust parry feint explosion return fire evasive maneuvers and I would dodge and swipe and take careful aim with one extra second to make the shot count which is always a better idea then just winging a man when you're running low on ammo or so I have heard
This candle gutters and flickers when I look at the outline of my paper staring glowering magnifying in an accusatory window on my screen glowing menace harassing remaining unfazed by threats or placations I will smite you window of Doom you will be defeated when tomorrow's sun reaches its zenith unseen to those of us in windowless classroom then I will strike the death blow and you will hear it coming in my fingertips on the keys the ratatatat of the machine guns or the scrrrrrrrrrrrritchsratch of my victorious ballpoint pen the arrow's flight across the blue lines and pink margins quake quake quake for your entirely imminent demise
Oh tiny candle burn on please
I am stacking wood for you and dipping wicks to keep you going and you ought to take that into consideration before you melt
away tiny candle I have become rather attached to you and to the shadow picture you cast into my mind of Dr. Epperson coming into class tomorrow and maybejustmaybe letting us pick our own essay topics so please do not blow out tiny candle I am nearly out of midnight oil.

It's spring

I found it noteworthy.

I am so bad at waiting for things.
Process, process.
Time telescopes
(contrarily to my preferences)
and I have to just sit and wait
with my glove on
and my hand up
and that fly ball
on its way down (slow-motionless)
and I don't even know what I'll do once I catch it.


Feels like I'm just hanging on
til eventually.
But the view is kind of nice.

Stop This Train

It's a John Mayer song that I haven't been able to stop listening to.
Makes me think about life, and the way it keeps going, even when I think it shouldn't, and how most people hit a point where they realize how fast it goes, and it scares the bejeepers out of them, and then they try all kinds of silly things (like philosophy) to see if they can trick life into doing what they want it to, and this goes on until they hit another point where they realize that it isn't gonna work, and even if you don't like it, life keeps going, and as disappointing and even as disillusioning as that can be, in a way it's also really comforting, because in a weird way it levels the playing field, because it goes by for everyone, which means that all we can do with it that's any good at all is giving it away.
Plus it makes me think of all the people I love who've finished, and how much I miss them, and the One I miss most, and how I'm getting closer to that, too.

Once in a while, when it's good, it'll feel like it should
And they're all still around, and you're still safe and sound
And you don't miss a thing
Til you cry when you're driving away in the dark
Singing
Stop this train
I want to get off and go home again