I deleted the post I put up a few days ago. I was posting merely for the sake of posting, and that produces worthless posts.
Merry Christmas, world. I was having some trouble getting into the Christmas spirit, for various and sundry reasons. I see Christmas as a time of reflection, of self-evaluation. I guess I wasn't so happy with what I saw this year.
Last year, my freshman year in college, I was incredibly naive. I lost some of that naivete, and with it a good deal of vulnerability. I don't like being vulnerable, the very definition sets off alarms in my head. But looking at myself, I see that to avoid vulnerability and potential rejection, I have developed a shell of humour.
I will never make another joke!
Sarcasm is bad and wrong!
No, no, that's not it. I'm good at sarcasm. I like being funny. But when I feel like I can't be myself around someone because they expect nothing but funny from me, something is awry.
Christmas is as good a time as New Year's for resolutions, I think; maybe better-- maybe by making a Christmas resolution I can trick myself into keeping it. Anyway, over the next year, I resolve to regain some of the vulnerability I shut down. To remember how to be myself, without constantly thinking about how others see me.
Disclaimer: Don't worry, I won't be devolving into a super-introspective emotional sinkhole. But I want to be seen for who I am. Although as a teenager and a college student, "who I am" is something of a fluid concept at this point...
There has been no snow this Christmas, but the stars at midnight on Christmas Eve were unlike anything I'd ever seen before.
5 comments:
hmm. I expect a lot more from you than funny, but it's because I know that you have it in you and that your perspective on life is a lot more mature than most people's, especially college people.
You're an amazing person - and I know that you didn't post this just to get kudos, but they are well deserved. And if I'm right, like I usually am ;o) , you being yourself will help so many people because you recognize that it's God's hand on you that makes you who you are. Because you're so sure in that, you can help others see their own God-given potential without becoming unsure of yours.
No fair that you had stars on Christmas Eve…we had clouds.
See you soon!
I'M BACK!
perhaps, we'll see...
if i keep it up, it'll be because of my love for you and kara.
faithful to the end you are.
and pshaw. i never thought you were funny anyway.
it's a good thing that isn't what's holding up our friendship.
(this is a lie... the part about you being funny, that is)
note: i had forgotten how intimidating those word verification things are.
You're a bad joke teller anyway....
aaahhh!!
blogspot has forgotten about me!
i can't get back into my blog! haha. noooooo.
that actually really sucks.
If you become an emotional sinkhole, you will no longer be welcome in my room.
Except when I feel like kicking you. Or lashing you with a scarf.
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