Chronic

I'm pulling an all-nighter--this will be my third full one in a week. But I do not want to write about how my choice to double major in History and English has left me with too many papers and not enough of either inclination, impetus, or time. I am writing now, partially to avoid the homework that is currently glaring at me from another window on my screen, but also because I haven't written in a very long time. And I think I need to.

I have been wrestling with the concept of Truth.
Probably everyone faces this battle at some point during their lives. For me the question came to a head over Thanksgiving break. I am still looking for the conclusion, but the looking has been turned aside to some extent by the haze of paper-writing and involvedness that comes with being a student at the tail end of a semester.

These words below were my thoughts over break. Now, a week or two later, I have had time to simmer and to reflect, and yet these words are still ringing in my head. Perhaps soon something will change.
Please excuse how messy this is. This was just me and my laptop at around 2 am, trying to wrestle it out, so if there are parts that do not follow or make sense, those were at the time filled in by my thought process, parts which didn't make it out in time before my mind rushed on to something else.

--------

God, if there is You and You are what You say, then there should be ONE way, ONE truth, ONE set of things and rules and standards, and they should be clear and we should all know them and be able to follow.

Why then is it not like this? Which truth is Truth? Whose truth is Truth? To know Truth I must seek it for myself. “For myself”? No, I do not believe this. If Truth is “for myself” then it is not Truth, for it would depend on me. But if You are who You say then Truth is not dependent, never dependent, on me or on anyone; it must be free and untied, Independent of every human being.

What is it?

Why is it so hard to find? Because every one goes his own way, every one finds truth “for himself”, and every truth is not the same. This is not as it should be.

Where then do I begin?

I begin with You, they say. But is that not what they all have done before? Do they not all see different truths? So this way is simply telling me to do what everyone else seems to have done, to find and make my own way and shout loudly that at last I have got a handle on it, that I know what is truly true, that every other before me was wrong, or was only partially right, simply because I know, because I found truth “for myself”.

This is not Truth. This is a farce. Truth must be outside of us. How to find it? Has someone already? Has anyone ever? How is it that so many different versions of the truth exist? It should not be.

When a ladybug comes the end of my finger, she does not turn back or try to go around. She flies straight at the light. I do not understand this.

This may be a lack of faith. I don’t know whether it is or not. But I can say it will not be reasoned or cried away in a night. This is like a broken limb, that needs to set and be uncomfortable.

You are the Way and the Truth and the Light. No man cometh unto the Father but by You. This I believe.

What does it mean to come by You? To follow your teachings? They were simple.
"Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind, and with all your strength, and your neighbor as yourself."
"Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness."
"Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, pray for them which despitefully use you and persecute you."

You said to judge not, lest we be judged; you said to do unto others as we would have others do to us; you said liars and adulterers will not enter the Kingdom.
You said any number of things that no one will listen to.

The chorus of truths has become a cacophony in the mouths of those who say they are yours. The babble rises and falls in my ears, and I cannot block them out.

I want to know Truth. I do not see how I can.

This is truth: I know something of It. I believe that Truth, whole and entire, unfragmented and independent, is. I do not know where it is to be found in its whole state. I have looked and I have not found it. Men have cluttered You so. I am too simple and undiscerning to know where You leave off and they begin, to know what of You is You and what of You is not. I cannot tell anymore, and I do not trust myself to hear from You. How can I, when that is what they have all done, and You begrimed and confused as a result?

Where to turn?