My mind is cloudy and clogged.
Everything I thought I knew is knotting up. What's worse, everything I knew I knew is tangled. I wish I were the kind of writer who could just turn it on. I wish that as soon as my fingertips hit the keyboard the torrents of words inside would come pouring out in perfectly constructed sentences and coherent paragraphs. I am not that kind of writer. I write what I feel at the moment. Normally it's the only way to untangle things. No matter how poor the writing, it somehow releases the strain on my mind. Except for times like now, when I feel the urge and sit down and tap my fingers and just...wait. And fill up the waiting with meaningless drivel about how much it sucks to wait.
Some Chris Rice comes to mind in my present mood:
"I would wave my magic wand, I would say the magic words
Cooking up a miracle, putting on a show
Changing what I thought to be unchangeable reality
If I had a magic wand of my own."
There are days when I can feel miracles. Not in the ORU-seed-faith-charismatic-life-miracle way, but in the tingling of my pinkies when I see moonshine. Or in the involuntary skip in my feet when I walk in wind. When "unchangeable reality" doesn't seem all that bad. There are days when it seems that the world, Nature itself, is putting on a show, just for me. That God leaned over and announced, "Behold the sunset-- to Colleen!" Sometimes the air blazes a trail down through my lungs to every corner of me, thrilling with aliveness. Sometimes I walk by myself and smile. Because I can. Because smiling is a miracle.
But sometimes a magic wand could come in handy. Like when I am alone and lonely. Or surrounded and lonely. Or when my reality is so unchangeable I weep at its interminability. Yeah. There are todays when I wish I had a magic wand that could just make all of this better.
Of course here I am talking like He hasn't provided me with one.
"For whatsoever is born of God overcometh the world: and this is the victory that overcometh the world, even our faith." I John 5.4
*Flush*
6 comments:
Yeah Colleen!
And also, eeewww...
Yeah. Ewww. 'Bout sums it up... I'll be careful not to link you on my blog so you-know-who doesn't catch wind of this. no pun intended.
Slightly vulgar. I enjoyed it.
I can relate very much to what you are saying, both about writing and how you feel about reality.
I am not a born writer. I am a born rewriter. I write to feel. Kind of pathetic, but true. I never knew I felt this much until I actually paid attention.
That verse is one of my favorites. I read it whenever I need to feel brave or empowered. I read it to remember who I am.
Love it. I feel that too. Especially about the sunsets. Except I feel more like He clears His throat and says, "Um, weren't you going to comment on that jaw-dropping painting I made for you over in the West?"
Moonshine....hahahahahaha...
sorry
hahahahaha
I love moonshine. Take it however you want to...heh
Post a Comment